Is 2020 a blue Christmas for everyone?
I write to you in this strange and unexpected world, where a day can drastically shift from one moment to the next. Luckily, and unexpectedly, I am writing to you from the house of a close friend, who has been in heart and mind a harbor in the midst of an unsteady storm, not only from the storm of this pandemic, but also in my personal life, in which the life I believed I had for the last seven years, and the person I believed I was sharing those seven years with, suddenly, poof! turned out to be completely opposite from the person I imagined and had faith that he was.
Let’s just say, it’s been a rough time. But, out of that darkness, I’ve found incredibly stunned and blown over by the ways that old and new friendships have risen to help me through it, one moment and one terrible email or awful flashback at a time.
No matter the year or circumstance, I always tend to experience some version of holiday blues. I didn’t have the family (or holiday) that you see on the postcard or in the Christmas commercial in between the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, and somehow that disconnect between the life and childhood I had and the image of fantasy that gets projected onto magazines and televisions, films and snowglobes, always gets to me, at least a little bit, even when I know that it isn’t real. Everyone’s images, that I know are coming, tonight and then tomorrow, are always a bit anxiety- and sadness-provoking for me, even when I tell myself it doesn’t matter. A little bit of melancholy is liveable. What I can say though, is that I’m embracing the warmth of two friends in particular that are in close proximity, and those that have sent cards and gifts, and haven’t asked for anything in return. Divorce, my friends, is a bitch. A sentiment I’ve heard all my life, but you don’t get it until it’s happening to you. Alas. But. A little melancholy is livable. And I’m thankful I’m still living.
But, of course, this year I feel it a bit more intensely as one can’t hop on a plane and experience something different this year, or see friends safely, or even wander down any street without being faced with life-threatening danger.
So, loves, how are you all dealing with this year? Are you with family in ways that are scary and complex? Did you do the safe thing and bow out, and feeling your own brand of holiday blues? Or are other feelings coming up?
Either way, I’m ready to shelve this year and all that it’s come with and start anew. What about you?
Sending you love and cheer, wherever you are, and whatever you celebrate. Send me a question, will you? Or at least a comment? I’m, as always, listening.
In solidarity and love,